How Do You Know if it’s Domestic Abuse?

Domestic violence, or intimate partner violence, is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. Domestic violence is not just physical. This epidemic takes on many forms including: physical abuse and stalking, verbal/emotional and psychological abuse, sexual abuse, reproductive coercion, financial abuse, digital and social abuse, cultural and spiritual abuse, as well as pets and property. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically; however, the one constant component of domestic violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the other.

The devastating effects of domestic violence can cross generations and last a lifetime

Domestic violence is an epidemic affecting individuals in every community, regardless of race, religion, nationality, age, economic status, gender, or sexual orientation. Domestic violence can result in physical injury, psychological trauma, and in severe cases, even death. The devastating physical, emotional, and psychological consequences of domestic violence can cross generations and last a lifetime.

Domestic violence intensifies over time

It is not always easy to determine in the early stages of a relationship if one person will become abusive. Abusers may often seem wonderful and perfect initially, but gradually become more aggressive and controlling as the relationship continues. Abuse may begin with behaviors that may easily be dismissed or downplayed such as name-calling, threats, possessiveness, or distrust. Abusers may apologize profusely for their actions or try to convince the person they are abusing that they do these things out of love or care. However, violence and control always intensifies over time with an abuser, despite the apologies. What may start out as something that was first believed to be harmless (e.g., wanting the victim to spend all their time only with them because they love them so much) escalates into extreme control and abuse (e.g., threatening to kill or hurt the victim or others if they speak to family, friends, etc.).

Some examples of abusive tendencies include but are not limited to:

• Telling the victim that they can never do anything right

• Showing jealousy of the victim’s family and friends and time spent away

• Accusing the victim of cheating

• Keeping or discouraging the victim from seeing friends or family members

• Embarrassing or shaming the victim with put-downs

• Controlling every penny spent in the household

• Taking the victim’s money or refusing to give them money for expenses

• Looking at or acting in ways that scare the person they are abusing

• Controlling who the victim sees, where they go, or what they do

• Dictating how the victim dresses, wears their hair, etc.

• Stalking the victim or monitoring their victim’s every move (in person or also via the internet and/or other devices such as GPS tracking or the victim’s phone)

• Preventing the victim from making their own decision

• Telling the victim that they are a bad parent or threatening to hurt, kill, or take away their children

• Threatening to hurt or kill the victim’s friends, loved ones, or pets

• Intimidating the victim with guns, knives, or other weapons

• Pressuring the victim to have sex when they don’t want to or to do things sexually they are not comfortable with

• Forcing sex with others

• Refusing to use protection when having sex or sabotaging birth control

• Pressuring or forcing the victim to use drugs or alcohol

• Preventing the victim from working or attending school, harassing the victim at either, keeping their victim up all night so they perform badly at their job or in school

• Destroying the victim’s property

Domestic violence does not always manifest as physical abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse can often be just as extreme as physical violence. Lack of physical violence does not mean the abuser is any less dangerous to the victim, nor does it mean the victim is any less trapped by the abuse.

Additionally, domestic violence does not always end when the victim escapes the abuser, tries to terminate the relationship, and/or seeks help. Often, it intensifies because the abuser feels a loss of control over the victim. Abusers frequently continue to stalk, harass, threaten, and try to control the victim after the victim escapes. In fact, the victim is often in the most danger directly following the escape of the relationship or when they seek help: 1/5 of homicide victims with restraining orders are murdered within two days of obtaining the order; 1/3 are murdered within the first month.

Unfair blame is frequently put upon the victim of abuse because of assumptions that victims choose to stay in abusive relationships

The truth is, bringing an end to abuse is not a matter of the victim choosing to leave; it is a matter of the victim being able to safely escape their abuser, the abuser choosing to stop the abuse, or others (e.g., law enforcement, courts) holding the abuser accountable for the abuse they inflict.

TIPS FOR HELPING SOMEONE EXPERIENCING ABUSE

Learn More

• Phone, computer & social media safety

• The effects of domestic violence on children

• Dating & teen violence

• For family and friends: Helping victims of domestic violence

Southern Valley Alliance wants to know you. Domestic violence is a somber, serious issue but together with our program partners and our communities we can support victim-survivors and increase awareness so we can prevent domestic violence within our families and communities. SVA is available to speak at events, community and professional organizations or your business.

SVA is a partner and resource in the communities we serve. Through increasing awareness, training and building relationships we can remove the stigma around domestic violence, educate our youth, inform our neighbors and partner with other community groups invested in safety and well-being.

This is how we End Domestic Violence in our Community!

Want to learn more or schedule a presentation?

Tech & Social Media Safety

Technology is ever-changing, and it can be used to jeopardize your safety or as a means to keep you safe. Since power and control issues are a part of domestic violence, abusive partners frequently use technology to monitor and control those they abuse. Here are some things to help keep in mind as you use technology.

• Did you know that someone can monitor another person’s computer use without the user knowing?

• Did you know that a “history” cannot be completely erased from a computer?

• Did you know that cell phone use can be monitored?

• Did you know that a global positioning system (GPS) can be placed on your car, in your purse or in your cell phone?

• Did you know that some court systems are placing court records online and that they may contain personal information?

• Did you know that e-mail is like a postcard and can be intercepted?

Internet safety

As you surf the internet on your computer, the places you visit are stored on the computer you use. Bills you pay and purchases you make are tracked. Instant messages and emails can be retrieved. Keep in mind that as you use a computer, cell phone, or other electronic device, it might be monitored. Safe computers can be found at the local library, internet café, shelter, work, or computer technology center. Always use safe computers when researching things such as travel plans, housing options, legal issues and safety plans.

Email safety

Your abusive partner could have access to your email account. To be safe, open an email account your partner does not know about on a safe computer and use that account for safety planning and sensitive communications. It is a good idea to keep your monitored account active with non-critical emails in order to maintain appearances.

Cell phone safety

Cell phones can be a beacon, tracking your exact location in real time. Call and text history can also be retrieved by an abusive partner. Additionally, a location tracking device (GPS) can be placed on your car or in your purse. Consider purchasing a pay as you go phone that you keep in a safe place to  allow you to make calls safely.

Social media safety

Keep your passwords private – there is no need to share passwords to social media accounts with anyone. If you have a friend in an abusive relationship DO NOT post information about them without getting their permission. You could jeopardize their safety.

Only post things you want the public to see or know. Once it’s online, it’s no longer under your control. Be protective of your personal information. Your phone numbers and addresses enable people to contact you directly, and things like your birth date, the schools you attended, your employer and photos with landmarks may make it easier for someone to find where you live, hang out or go to school.

Set boundaries and limits. Tell people not to post personal information, negative comments or check-ins about you on social media. Ask people not to post or tag pictures if you’re not comfortable with it.

How many children witness abuse?

Studies show that 3-4 million children between the ages of 3-17 are at risk of exposure to domestic violence each year. U.S. government statistics say that 95% of those domestic violence cases involve women victims of male partners. While this may be the majority of cases, interpersonal violence can be perpetuated by women and in same-sex partnerships as well. Children often are witness to this violence.

Witnessing can mean SEEING actual incidents of physical/and or sexual abuse. It can mean HEARING threats or fighting noises from another room. Children may also OBSERVE the aftermath of physical abuse such as blood, bruises, tears, torn clothing, and broken items. Finally children may be AWARE of the tension in the home such as fearfulness when the abuser’s car pulls into the driveway.

What are the feelings of children who are exposed to partner violence?

Children who are exposed to domestic violence can become fearful and anxious. They may be on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. They never know what will trigger the abuse, and therefore, they never feel safe. They are always worried for themselves, their parent, and their siblings. They may feel worthless and powerless.

Children who grow up with abuse are expected to keep the family secret, sometimes not even talking to each other about the abuse. Children from abusive homes can look fine to the outside world, but inside they are in terrible pain. Their families are chaotic and crazy. They may blame themselves for the abuse thinking if they had not done or said a particular thing, the abuse would not have occurred. They may also become angry at their siblings or their parent for triggering the abuse. They may feel rage, embarrassment, and humiliation.

Children of abuse feel isolated and vulnerable. They are starved for attention, affection and approval. Because their parent is struggling to survive, they are often not present for their children. When the abuser is consumed with controlling everyone, they also are not present for their children. These children become physically, emotionally and psychologically abandoned.

What behaviors do children who witness domestic violence exhibit?

The emotional responses of children who witness domestic violence may include fear, guilt, shame, sleep disturbances, sadness, depression, and anger (at both the abuser for the violence and at the victim for being unable to prevent the violence).

Physical responses may include stomachaches and/or headaches, bedwetting, and loss of ability to concentrate. Some children may also experience physical or sexual abuse or neglect. Others may be injured while trying to intervene on behalf of their parent or a sibling.

The behavioral responses of children who witness domestic violence may include acting out, withdrawal, or anxiousness to please. The children may exhibit signs of anxiety and have a short attention span which may result in poor school performance and attendance. They may experience developmental delays in speech, motor or cognitive skills. They may also use violence to express themselves displaying increased aggression with peers or family members. They can become self-injuring.

What are the long-term effects on children who witness domestic violence?

Whether or not children are physically abused, they often suffer emotional and psychological trauma from living in homes where domestic violence occurs. Children who grow up observing a parent being abused, especially by their other parent, grow up with a role model of intimate relationships in which one person uses intimidation and violence over the other person to get their way. Because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength, they may ally themselves with the abuser and lose respect for the other parent. Abusers typically play into this by putting the victim down in front of their children and telling them that their parent is “crazy” or “stupid” and that they do not have to listen to them. Seeing their parent treated with enormous disrespect, teaches children that they can disrespect people in the same way.

Most experts believe that children who are raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve conflicts and problems. They may replicate the violence they witnessed as children in their teen and adult relationships and parenting experiences. Children who witness abuse are more likely to abuse their partners as adults.

Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and juvenile delinquency. Witnessing domestic violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. It is also the number one reason children run away.

One in Three Teens Will Experience Dating Violence

What is Dating Violence?

Dating violence is any controlling, abusive, and aggressive behavior in a dating relationship, romantic relationship, or intimate partner relationship. It can include verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, digital, social, financial, cultural, or spiritual abuse, as well as pets and property. No form is worse than another, and many forms are often used in combination with one-another.

Abusive behaviors often begin between the ages of 12-18, which is why it is important to have conversations about healthy relationships and the warning signs of abuse at a young age. By educating pre-teens, teens, and young adults on the relationship spectrum, setting boundaries, consent, identifying red flags, and encouraging them to speak with trusted adults, we can help prevent abusive relationships.

Warning Signs

Because relationships exist on a spectrum, it can be hard to tell when a behavior crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy or even abusive. Use these warning signs of abuse to see if your relationship is going in the wrong direction:

• Checking your cell phone or email without permission

• Constantly putting you down

• Extreme jealousy or insecurity

• Explosive temper

• Isolating you from family or friends

• Making false accusations

• Mood swings

• Physically hurting you in any way

• Possessiveness

• Telling you what to do

• Pressuring or forcing you to have sex

• Where is the line between love and control?

• Name calling, insults or threats

• Gaslighting

• Stalking

There is help available

If you think you may be in an unhealthy relationship call Southern Valley Alliance’s 24-hour Confidential Crisis Line at 952-873-4214 to talk to a trained advocate.